贺弋芷 · 雅思写作小作文批改
练习日期：2026-08-08 ｜ 题目：IELTS 18 TEST 2（美国家庭年收入柱状图）｜ 参照：日哥范文
一、总体评价
写得不错的地方（先肯定）：
- 有清晰的 Overview（整体趋势段），抓住了主线：高收入组变化明显、其余组稳定。
- 五个收入档位全部覆盖到，没有漏数据。
- 数据引用基本准确（25–30M、21M、29M/33M、15M 都对得上范文）。
- 用了
while / though / As can be seen 等衔接，逻辑意识在线。
5.5–6.0
当前估分
（TA/CC 尚可，GRA/Lexis 拉分）
主要失分点集中在两块：① 词汇搭配错误（如 overnumbered、equipped with、annual income variety）；② 语法小错（million 不加 s、slight→slightly、those annual income 结构断裂）。这些都是"一改就提分"的硬伤，下面逐句拆。
二、逐句批改
句 1 · 开头段
原句
The bar chart illustrates the number of households in the US by their income per year in 2007, 2011, and 2015 respectively.
建议修改
The bar chart compares the number of households in the United States across five annual income brackets in 2007, 2011 and 2015.
- 词汇图表是多组对比，用 compares 比 illustrates 更精准。
- 词汇income per year 意思含糊（像是"每年收入"），应明确成 annual income brackets（年收入档位）。原题共 5 个档位。
- 语法年份已按顺序列出，句尾 respectively 多余，删掉。
句 2 · Overview（整体段）
原句
Overall, the number of US households around $100,000 or more experienced apparent fluctuation, and soared to the peak, while other annual income variety remained relatively stable.
建议修改
Overall, households earning at least $100,000 per year rose markedly over the period and became the largest group by 2015. Meanwhile, the numbers of households in the other four income brackets stayed fairly constant.
- 词汇around $100,000 or more 自相矛盾（"around" 表约数，"or more" 表门槛），改成 at least $100,000 或 $100,000 and above。
- 词汇数据不是单纯"波动"，而是明显上升，用 rose markedly / a marked increase 比 fluctuation 准确。
- 词汇soared to the peak 太虚，应说清结果：became the largest group（成了最大群体）。
- 词汇annual income variety 是错词，variety≠群体，改为 income brackets / groups。
句 3 · 中低收入段
原句
As can be seen, the figure for those annual income less than $25,000 or $25,000–$49,999 fluctuated between 25 and 30 millions, which was closely overnumbered the number of US households of those annual income around $50,000–$74,999, keeping 21 million stably.
建议修改
Looking at the lower-income groups first, households with an annual income below $25,000 and those earning between $25,000 and $49,999 both fluctuated within the range of 25 million to 30 million households, which slightly exceeded the number of households earning $50,000–$74,999, remaining steady at about 21 million.
- 语法those annual income 结构断裂，应写 households earning… 或 those with an annual income…
- 语法具体数字后的 million 不加 s：25 million（不是 millions）。
- 词汇overnumbered 不是英文词；想表达"数量更多"用 exceeded / outnumbered。closely 也搭配错，改 slightly / marginally（略多于）。
- 词汇keeping … stably 生硬，改成 remaining steady at。
句 4 · 最高收入段
原句
The figure for the family with $100,000 or more annual income accounted for the largest figure at number of households, about 29 and 33 millions, in 2007 and 2015 respectively, though it declined slight in 2011.
建议修改
The highest income band ($100,000 and above) formed the largest group, starting at 29 million households in 2007 and climbing to 33 million in 2015, though it dipped slightly in 2011.
- 词汇全篇讲 households（家庭户），突然用 family 不一致，统一用 households。
- 词汇accounted for the largest figure at number of households 既啰嗦又不通，直接说 formed the largest group / was the most numerous。
- 语法declined slight 形容词误当副词，改 declined slightly。
- 语法29/33 million（无 s）。
句 5 · 收尾段
原句
Those equipped with $75,000–$99,999 recorded the lowest figure at just 15 millions.
建议修改
By contrast, households with incomes of $75,000–$99,999 were the smallest group in every surveyed year, with the total staying at exactly 15 million.
- 词汇equipped with 是"装备/配备"，不能用于收入，改成 with an income of 或 the $75,000–$99,999 bracket。
- 词汇recorded the lowest figure 没错但重复率高，可换 were the smallest group。
- 语法15 million（无 s）。
三、建议修改版（参考范文）
可直接参考的满分向版本
The bar chart compares the number of households in the United States across five annual income brackets in 2007, 2011 and 2015.
Overall, households earning at least $100,000 per year rose markedly over the period and became the largest group by 2015. Meanwhile, the numbers of households in the other four income brackets stayed fairly constant, with only minor changes between 2007 and 2015.
Looking at the lower-income groups first, households with an annual income below $25,000 and those earning between $25,000 and $49,999 both fluctuated within the range of 25 million to 30 million throughout the period. The middle-income bracket ($50,000–$74,999) remained steady at roughly 21 million households in all three years, and was consistently smaller than the two lowest income categories.
The highest income band ($100,000 and above) saw considerable growth. Starting at 29 million households in 2007, this figure dipped slightly in 2011 before climbing to 33 million in 2015, making it the most numerous household group by the end of the period. By contrast, households with incomes of $75,000–$99,999 were the smallest group in every surveyed year, with the total staying at exactly 15 million across all three years.
四、词汇升级对照表（重点背这些）
| 学生原表达 | 问题 | 升级建议（取自范文） | 示范用法 |
|---|
| illustrates the number… | 对比图用 illustrates 偏泛 | compares | compares the number of households across… |
| by their income per year | 意思含糊 | across five annual income brackets | across five annual income brackets |
| around $100,000 or more | 自相矛盾 | at least $100,000 / $100,000 and above | households earning at least $100,000 |
| apparent fluctuation | 低估了明显上升趋势 | rose markedly / a marked increase | rose markedly over the period |
| soared to the peak | 空泛 | became the largest group | became the largest group by 2015 |
| annual income variety | 错词（variety≠群体） | income brackets / groups | the other four income brackets |
| those annual income | 结构断裂 | households earning / those with an annual income | households earning less than $25,000 |
| 30 millions | 数字后 million 不加 s | 30 million | between 25 million and 30 million |
| closely overnumbered | overnumbered 非单词 | slightly exceeded / outnumbered | which slightly exceeded the number… |
| keeping … stably | 生硬 | remaining steady at | remaining steady at about 21 million |
| the family | 与 households 不一致 | households | households earning $100,000 or more |
| accounted for the largest figure | 啰嗦不通 | formed the largest group / was the most numerous | formed the largest group |
| declined slight | 形副误用 | declined slightly | dipped slightly in 2011 |
| equipped with $75,000–$99,999 | 搭配错误 | with an income of / the … bracket | households with incomes of $75,000–$99,999 |
| recorded the lowest figure | 重复率高 | were the smallest group | were the smallest group in every year |
五、给弋芷的改进建议（写作习惯层面）
1. 术语要统一、要"对"
- 全篇统一用 households（题目就是 households），别中途换成 family。
- 收入档位统称 income brackets / groups，别造词（variety、annual income around 都不对）。
2. 数字单位永远是 "数字 + million"（无 s）
- 25 million ✅ ｜ 25 millions ❌ ｜ between 25 million and 30 million ✅
- 这是小作文最高频的扣分项之一，单独练熟。
3. Overview 要"说结果"，不要飘
- "soared to the peak" 太虚。Overview 写清：高收入组变多了、并在 2015 年成了最大群体；其余四组基本不变。这就是满分 Overview 的两句话。
4. 段落按"逻辑分组"写，而不是逐档流水
- 范文结构：① 低收入两组 + 中段一组 放一段；② 最高收入组（带增长）+ 最小组（$75–100k）放一段，用 By contrast 收尾。这样对比感强、CC 得分高。
- 多用换头词避免 the figure for… 反复出现：Looking at… / The highest income band… / By contrast…
5. 形容词 vs 副词别混
- 修饰动词用副词：declined slightly（不是 slight）；rose markedly；changed only marginally。
📌 使用说明：本页为本地批改稿，未改动金山文档。可将"三、建议修改版"和"四、词汇升级对照表"复制到学生文档对应位置；如需调整告诉我即可。